Are you too nice at work?
by Chloe Field.
This came up in a coaching session recently, the line between being nice and being kind at work.
On paper, it sounds simple:
Nice avoids the hard thing to keep the peace.
Kind says the hard thing, because you actually care - about the person and the outcome.
Most of us would say we’re the kind one, but when we try to actually live it, it’s harder than you think.
Niceness isn’t kindness. It’s fear with better manners.
When a well-intentioned manager softens the feedback, or nods along to keep things smooth, they’re usually not protecting their team.
They’re actually protecting themselves.
Underneath a lot of “niceness” is fear. Fear of conflict. Fear of disappointing someone. Fear of no longer being the person everyone likes (even I'm guilty of this one!).
And this is exactly why warm, relational leadership gets written off as being soft. People see the care and assume the directness won’t come. That’s the bit that isn’t true and it’s the bit we care about most.
Kristen Gallagher and I truly believe that care and performance aren’t a trade-off. You can hold someone’s full humanity and tell them the truth. Genuine care and hard truth are not opposites. They have to work together if you want change to actually happen.
What it actually looks like
Nice and kind aren’t always as obvious as “soft” vs. “direct.”
Here's two moments from our coaching session:
One manager realised she kept saying yes to helping everyone else finish their work - even when she was drowning in her own.
Another realised she’d been validating her team’s feelings so thoroughly in hard conversations that she slid into agreeing with their version of events, rather than just hearing them out.
Both are nice. Neither is kind.
Saying yes to keep everyone happy isn’t managing your time - it’s managing their opinion of you. And agreeing instead of listening doesn’t reduce the noise, it just delays the hard part.
My point is that you end up prioritising how the moment feels over what your team actually needs from you.
A framework I keep coming back to
It's called "unconditional positive regard" - a concept from the psychologist Carl Rogers.
It means holding someone's full worth while still naming what isn't working - without judgement, no matter what they say, feel or do. You value the person as a human being, separate from any single behaviour.
Think of it as "care and confrontation" in the same breath. Not because it's comfortable, but because you believe this person can grow - and they deserve the truth to do it.
What I see in good leaders all the time is warmth without that discipline. Their care is real - so, so real. But somewhere beneath the surface, fear is what's actually making the decisions.
My favourite Brené Brown line is "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." We so often dodge the hard conversation to feel nice in the moment, but hiding the truth is what actually hurts people. Being clear is one of the most disciplined relational skills there is.
I parent my 3 x little humans the same way. I try to be "firm but kind" and when I hit that icky wave of frustration or yelling, I go back to "connect and repair" where I take ownership, say sorry, and show them our relationship is safe. Full of love, still holding the line, but prioritising that emotional connection regardless of the behaviour and being willing to repair.
The bit nobody says out loud
Here’s where it gets bigger than any one manager. A lot of organisations reward "nice" managers.
The manager who keeps a harmonious team gets promoted. The one who names the dysfunction gets labelled “difficult.” The team that looks great in the engagement survey gets held up as the example - even while its strongest performers are drafting their resignations in the background.
Until we stop rewarding silence, managers will keep choosing to be nice. Because nice feels safer for them. It protects their reputation, their relationships, their next step up. What they don’t always see is that the cost still gets paid - just by their team, not by them.
Silence isn’t being neutral. It sends a message that every unchallenged comment, avoided tension, every “not worth it” moment is what your culture quietly becomes.
The ‘messy middle’ is where it matters
Most leadership development skips teaching the actual moment - the bit where it’s happening in real time and you have to choose.
The skill isn’t creating fake harmony (being polite, avoidant). It isn’t unhealthy conflict (personal, performative). It’s real challenge, handled well and with care.
And most teams aren’t short on talent or skill. They’re short on permission and practice - the permission to say:
“Can I share what I noticed?”
“I don’t think we’re having the conversation we need to”
“Can we hit pause, I've just noticed something wrong?”
That’s the real work. High-performing teams don’t just deliver well they feel safe enough to disagree, openly share their thoughts, debate fiercely and take risks when their team and manager have their back.
They notice what goes unsaid and they hold the standard in the room.
So what actually changes it?
If you’re serious about shifting this, three things need to change.
Give managers the language, not just the expectation. Most aren’t avoiding the conversation because they don’t care. They’re avoiding it because they don’t know how to say it.
Don't confuse harmony with a team health. A team that never disagrees isn’t necessarily aligned. Often being quiet is a big problem - people too unsure to say or share what they really think.
Name avoidance for what it is. The manager who avoids the tough conversation isn’t being kind. They’re handing the discomfort to their team instead.
What kind actually looks like
You get in the arena with them.
You have the hard conversation.
You listen with your full attention (and don't think ahead to what you're going to say next).
You ask questions to get to the real issue.
You hold the standard.
You tell people the truth about their performance with care, and without making it personal.
Your title only makes you a manager, but your people make you a leader.
And a leader's job is to take a good team and make it great by building the conditions where everyone has safety, clarity, dependability and a real sense of impact. That's what lets people do their best work.
If it doesn't come naturally, that's okay. It just means it's a skill to build, like any other and skills come faster with the right guidance, coaching and tools beside you.
If you’ve nodded along to any of this
Then we probably think about leadership the same way. We love getting past the surface-level stuff and into the sticky, human parts of work, those moments that actually shape a culture.
If your managers are good people who are struggling with the conversations that matter, that’s a specific problem with a specific solution.
And the starting point is usually just having a conversation to get clear on what’s really going on, so we can help them build real conflict fluency. Stepping into the tension, staying in it, and lifting the quality of what gets said.
Better performance and a better culture get built in exactly these small moments.
It’s cool to be kind ✌️